posted 2 years ago with 1 notereblog
10
Dec

Never have I ever felt safe in the place where I lived. Everywhere I went, I was scared of being yelled at or having something thrown at me. And when I finally had peace where I was, the stupid cat, Lucifer, came and disturbed that calm I had finally gotten. That cat… I never hated things, but I could safely say that I hated him. The name suited him perfectly. He made my life more of a living hell than it was and that was saying something. He’d meow at night and I’d have to give him food until he was content, which wasn’t often. He’d find more reasons to annoy me and I wondered if my step-sisters had trained him to act like them. It was as if the whole household was against me.

But coming here… it was a different story. Now, I’m finally finding peace and quiet and I find myself feeling happier each day. I was miserable at that place and while most people would refer that as a home… it wasn’t a home. A home is where you feel safe; where you’re comfortable to be yourself and don’t cry yourself to sleep most nights. A home is where you don’t have to worry about getting raped when a man is in the house. No, that wasn’t a home, not at all. It was… just a roof over my head. I never even really ate anything. I didn’t want to.

Now here, I’m healthier. When I dare a chance to look into a mirror, I see my eyes sparkle and there is finally some skin on my bones. The doctors are finally seeing my weight get to normal and I’m finally enjoying myself. Even though I still have times where I don’t feel like doing anything… I’m still happier. I’m getting out and talking to people, letting go of the past and trying to be a better me.

I want to get out into the world. I want to have a life. I want to get married, have children… be loved. And right now I know I can’t find it. Right now, I know I have to get better. I have to get over the past. I have to learn to love myself. Because still… I don’t want to do anything sexual. The thought of… someone touching my breasts or my other private area, including me… it still freaks me out. In the shower, I’ll only clean them because I have to. And then I’ll do it quickly. If I don’t, I remember it. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to have to live with this for the rest of my life. How can I?

But right now, I’m safe. And I know that. It makes me cry at night because I know that no man can get me. But even so, I still lock my door at night. And most men, besides Thumper and Terrence, they still scare me. I wish it wasn’t true, but it is. I’m going to have to push myself harder. But I know, deep in my heart, that I can do this. Because now, I’m finally safe. I can become who I’m meant to be with the help of my new found friends and maybe I can even learn to love. Because I’m safe. Thank the lord I’m finally safe to be who I am.